When I hear this sound that awakens me, intimidating its way into my cloistered night, I write…

“IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN”

10 Comments

I wrote this poem when my younger brother died due to clinical depression. He was in love with a woman who left him for another. He never recovered from this betrayal. On his last days, he stopped eating and drinking. He …

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… I would ascertain keenly

the trace of unseen madness

In the fold of his immobile face

In his eyes that showed only emptiness!

… I wanted to open all doors

So the wind blow through his hair.

I would fake that sky was blue!

In and out, everywhere, I stare!

… Then I laughed at my own vision.

I could stop it, if I had only known

That there was a coast laid behind the doors

And there were many who felt very alone.

… Everything white and you were pale.

You were dressed in white, standing in dark.

And avidly should I see

Your slender, transparent body in spark…

…Then we saw together

The beauties such as sky and man

Which were mirrored deep in our eyes.

We had no way out of that projected plan.

… How strange that in this world

I only saw you, heard your song

But you were not a song, you were a man

An insomniac man for so long!

… that light that reflected from you

Was an obscure light

Which rose slowly like a fire.

And burned me all the way to bone.

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Ellie

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Author: elliebelfiglio

I am a professor, a poet, an author, and an immigrant. I am the survival of many political and economical hardship. As a political immigrant, it took me a long time to master the English language and to come to terms that I can never see my family again. "THE PARTING FROM MY FAMILY WAS THE BEGINNING OF A FRIENDSHIP THAN THE END OF OUR FRIDAYS!" My autobiography, "THE RAIN STOPS IN TEXAS" was published in 1997 by Eakin Press. It can be found in Amazon. As Ernest Hemingway says, write about something you know, most of my novels are about cultural difference of the old and new and American style of living compare to my home country. My poetry are in all forms. I write as they come to me. My first draft is always my last draft. "THIS IS MY WORLD, WELCOME!" "THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE!"

10 thoughts on ““IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN”

  1. These are beautiful words Ellie, but I’m very sorry for your loss.

  2. So sorry for your loss. You expressed your sentiments beautifully “if you had only known”.

  3. I understand this poem. I lost brothers to suicide in 1988 and one in 1989. I learn too late. I should have made more time for them. My brothers made me kinder and now I listen and pay attention to family and friends. I’m sorry for your lost dear friend.

    • I had a lot of time with my brother but he would not accept my help. I witnessed his death. At the end he was skin and bones. A long time ago. He was only two years younger than me. We both were very young. He was naive and I was the wise one. I feel horrible even now that I could not save him. Thank you dear John for your comment.

    • You are absolutely right. The death of my brother has broken my heart forever. I have nightmare about it. Thank you for your empathy dear John.

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